A Sober Decade

The feeling of finally hitting a decade of sobriety from illicit substances is something that I wouldn’t have thought possible in the early days of getting clean. And yet, here we are. I have made it. I used to get high for a good time, for an escape, as a social crutch, for oh-so-many other ridiculous and asinine reasons, and looking back on it I think I really stunted the person I could’ve become otherwise. Although, if you’d have asked me then, I would’ve sworn that I “had it under control”, that it was “making me a more colorful person”, that it was just here and there and who cares, I’m young and vibrant and I’m bigger than life, I’ll be fine. I had never really “fit in” anywhere, and I was always searching for my tribe… if I am honest, I think that the search continues still, although now I don’t see it as an impediment, but rather, an opportunity… but when I was high, I think I felt like I fit in then because I was doing the same things that the other people around me were doing, and I had that liquid-powder-pill-plant-“courage” that ultimately gave me the sensation of being a sensation in those groups. What a crock of shit that was. Hindsight is 20/20, that’s for sure.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of insane, boisterous and reckless fun alongside the decline of my mental and physical health and depletion of finances… I also learned a lot, because I’d willingly put myself in situations that most “normal” people wouldn’t be caught dead in, and I studied the ins-and-outs of the degenerate portions of society, almost obsessively so. I still use that knowledge today. It is wild how all knowledge can be applicable in various situations and states of mind. No knowledge goes unused, at least in my case. I also discovered a lot about drugs and how to use them to my advantage. Using this substance when I had this situation going on, that pill when that event was planned, the little tricks and tips to not feel hungover, to recover quickly, to keep going, to not get “too” addicted. I always kept a job, right up until the end of my run… And I still pursued higher education and kept up with filling my noggin with as much information as possible, whenever possible. And there were lots of times when I had lots of time. As well as being a prior drug opportunist, I have always been, and still am, an information junkie. It’s amazing the amount of information one can ingest whilst on a healthy dose of stimulants, and even more amazing the amount of information I retained from those binges. With that being said, I know I could have applied myself in better ways. Even though some would argue that it was time lost, I think time is a golden teacher and I learned some invaluable lessons throughout that part of my life. It’s given me a greater appreciation for the normalcy I have today.

In the past ten years I have honed in on fitness, physical and mental health, education, skill-building, artistry… all of the things I have always been interested in, except this time I was doing it without drugs. It took me a long time to finally put down the alcohol, that was the last mind-and-life-altering vice to go. Out of the last ten years, there were five-ish of those years where I didn’t have a single drink, and they were by far the best and most productive years of the ten. I am a whiskey gal at heart, and a firecracker of a woman, so that spirit is not good for my always-heightened emotional state or my spitfire temper. I think the alcohol was almost more destructive than the drugs in many ways. These days I am focused on the plants that make a difference in my health, things like: turmeric, belladonna, bergamot, mullein, rosemary, dandelions, and the like. I couldn’t possibly list all of them here at once, I think I would drone on for pages and pages… but I will be journaling about them in the future on this blog. I am making plants a forever staple in my life, and I am learning about their functionality in relation to my aging self. I’m sure I’ll have some info that will be pertinent to you, too, at some point.

So, so, so grateful to have put in the long days, withstood the years, battled the moments of uncertainty, and to never give up on myself, so that I could have the victory of reaching this milestone. Being able to think more clearly, knowing the decisions I make are based upon things I think and feel, without having a substance to use as blame or an excuse… worth it. It is liberating. It also means I do take into consideration the ramifications of my decisions these days. I also am about 2.5 months or less away from being a Mom of two. I don’t have time to be second-guessing myself. I need to be sure of who I am and where I stand, to be concrete in the things I believe in and the direction I want to take my family. I can say with the surest voice that being sober has given me a true confidence in myself that drugs and alcohol could never mask.

If you or someone you know are in the throes of addiction and want to escape that life, know this: it is possible! My God, it is possible and you can attain it. It is hard, there will be times you may want to go back to that life, but if you don’t, and you push through, and you make it out on the other side, there is a brand new life and person and feeling of serenity and accomplishment and satisfaction awaiting you. I’m rooting for you, just like I rooted for me. <3

A REINTRODUCTION

So much has changed over the past five years since I launched this website in 2020, and I am wildly impressed that I’ve made it this far without ripping my hair out at the follicles. I don’t think I’d be half as attractive without my mane, so for that I am grateful. What a trip, this incredible and multifaceted, wonderfully savage and serpentine life. Since the debut of Birds Nest Studios, LLC back in 2020, I have lined my pockets, then lost my shirt, created beautiful, inspiring and challenging artwork for people all across the USofA. I grew the business, and then dissolved the business, in two states twenty-five hundred miles away from one another. I still make art, of course, but not as often as I’d like, and I operate as a sole proprietorship now as opposed to a business, which I suppose isn’t so much a failure as it is just returning to my roots.

With any story there is always some kind of despondency that happens along the way. For me, that came in the form of losing two of my most cherished family members since then. First to leave the planet, my Brother in February of 2021, and then my Mom followed in April of 2023. I never thought I would see the day, even though I knew it was inevitable at some point. Mental health issues and that dreaded C-word we all know and loathe can be blamed for their demise. I miss them every day. But I keep their spirits alive also, reminiscing on good times when I am engrossed in an activity that sparks a memory I have with them, or by analyzing the more garbage times of the past when I want to try and understand how and why things panned out as they did. Their absence is noted in many ways. They’re in good company, of course, with the ilk that has gone before them: my Dad, Grandparents, Great Aunt and Uncles, Piblings, etc. An honorable mention to the friends that also have gone on to explore the aether. You have all had an influence in my life.

I left the wooded, grassy southeast for the arid, rocky southwest in the fall of 2021. I took a leap of faith and ventured into the unknown with my cat and jumped ship to set roots in Las Vegas. I met the love of my life here, and together we traipsed around the country, went SXSing all over the Nevada desert, went through some wooden rollercoaster-like ups and downs, bought a house, and in November of 2023, welcomed our firstborn Son into the world. What an eye-opening and transformative experience for my soul. I was always the gal that shirked the idea of motherhood, and here I am now, almost seventeen months into my greatest project and blessing, and it has reshaped my entire life. He is a gem, the sweetest little guy, and I know parents can be biased but I hear that sentiment from everyone that meets him, so I know it’s not just my rose-colored glasses. My little blessing, my pride and joy. There is no mixture of words sufficient enough for the love that I have for him. I guess all you parent friends of mine were right: there is nothing quite like it. As I sit here, we await the grand entrance of his Brother, expected sometime after the summer solstice. Who would’ve thought five years ago that I would relocate to escape, and end up being gifted with a family all my own.

These days I have gotten reacquainted with the old-time homemaker skills: gardening, making my own food and household items, sewing, etc. I finally have an opportunity to explore this kind of lifestyle and so I jumped in headfirst. That is partly what this website will be transforming into: a tell-all of my discoveries and creations as I navigate my way into this new role of mine. I’m looking forward to sharing all the things I find and all the new ways I intend to grow.

Anyway, I just wanted to give a little real-life update to all the people who have been following my journey throughout the years and to get you up to speed with where I am right now so I can delve right into the good stuff from here on out. I am learning to be more consistent with my own personal journaling, and I hope that carries over into this digital world. Welcome to the new and improved, A Word With Bird. I’m glad you’re here.

Powerful Like The Sea

As I stared into the vast blackness of the sea yesterday evening, I thought about how small I really am, but how connected with everything I may actually be. We may think that our thoughts are solitary and our existence to be insignificant in the grand scheme of things. But we’re like a tiny water molecule in a wave, tumbling in the ocean. Connected to all the other water molecules that make up the life force of the world. We will never know what other molecules that we’ve touched and where they end up going. We’re part of this hydrological cycle of people, of energies, our thoughts recycle, our words and actions and just our existence are like the waters, powerful enough to erode the earth, to create raging storms, to provide the rain that waters other people and allows them to grow, the steam that powers the engine of life, because we’re part of a beautiful system where one small act affects absolutely everything else. And our energies never really leave, even when we eventually do, kind of like evaporation. Things in the very distant past are still discussed and influencing things today. I am always amazed at this universe. I am positive that it is all connected. And I am equally certain that no matter how insignificant you feel, no matter what you’re doing, you are filled with enough power to change the world, and you’re doing it right now. Just a thought.