A Sober Decade
The feeling of finally hitting a decade of sobriety from illicit substances is something that I wouldn’t have thought possible in the early days of getting clean. And yet, here we are. I have made it. I used to get high for a good time, for an escape, as a social crutch, for oh-so-many other ridiculous and asinine reasons, and looking back on it I think I really stunted the person I could’ve become otherwise. Although, if you’d have asked me then, I would’ve sworn that I “had it under control”, that it was “making me a more colorful person”, that it was just here and there and who cares, I’m young and vibrant and I’m bigger than life, I’ll be fine. I had never really “fit in” anywhere, and I was always searching for my tribe… if I am honest, I think that the search continues still, although now I don’t see it as an impediment, but rather, an opportunity… but when I was high, I think I felt like I fit in then because I was doing the same things that the other people around me were doing, and I had that liquid-powder-pill-plant-“courage” that ultimately gave me the sensation of being a sensation in those groups. What a crock of shit that was. Hindsight is 20/20, that’s for sure.
Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of insane, boisterous and reckless fun alongside the decline of my mental and physical health and depletion of finances… I also learned a lot, because I’d willingly put myself in situations that most “normal” people wouldn’t be caught dead in, and I studied the ins-and-outs of the degenerate portions of society, almost obsessively so. I still use that knowledge today. It is wild how all knowledge can be applicable in various situations and states of mind. No knowledge goes unused, at least in my case. I also discovered a lot about drugs and how to use them to my advantage. Using this substance when I had this situation going on, that pill when that event was planned, the little tricks and tips to not feel hungover, to recover quickly, to keep going, to not get “too” addicted. I always kept a job, right up until the end of my run… And I still pursued higher education and kept up with filling my noggin with as much information as possible, whenever possible. And there were lots of times when I had lots of time. As well as being a prior drug opportunist, I have always been, and still am, an information junkie. It’s amazing the amount of information one can ingest whilst on a healthy dose of stimulants, and even more amazing the amount of information I retained from those binges. With that being said, I know I could have applied myself in better ways. Even though some would argue that it was time lost, I think time is a golden teacher and I learned some invaluable lessons throughout that part of my life. It’s given me a greater appreciation for the normalcy I have today.
In the past ten years I have honed in on fitness, physical and mental health, education, skill-building, artistry… all of the things I have always been interested in, except this time I was doing it without drugs. It took me a long time to finally put down the alcohol, that was the last mind-and-life-altering vice to go. Out of the last ten years, there were five-ish of those years where I didn’t have a single drink, and they were by far the best and most productive years of the ten. I am a whiskey gal at heart, and a firecracker of a woman, so that spirit is not good for my always-heightened emotional state or my spitfire temper. I think the alcohol was almost more destructive than the drugs in many ways. These days I am focused on the plants that make a difference in my health, things like: turmeric, belladonna, bergamot, mullein, rosemary, dandelions, and the like. I couldn’t possibly list all of them here at once, I think I would drone on for pages and pages… but I will be journaling about them in the future on this blog. I am making plants a forever staple in my life, and I am learning about their functionality in relation to my aging self. I’m sure I’ll have some info that will be pertinent to you, too, at some point.
So, so, so grateful to have put in the long days, withstood the years, battled the moments of uncertainty, and to never give up on myself, so that I could have the victory of reaching this milestone. Being able to think more clearly, knowing the decisions I make are based upon things I think and feel, without having a substance to use as blame or an excuse… worth it. It is liberating. It also means I do take into consideration the ramifications of my decisions these days. I also am about 2.5 months or less away from being a Mom of two. I don’t have time to be second-guessing myself. I need to be sure of who I am and where I stand, to be concrete in the things I believe in and the direction I want to take my family. I can say with the surest voice that being sober has given me a true confidence in myself that drugs and alcohol could never mask.
If you or someone you know are in the throes of addiction and want to escape that life, know this: it is possible! My God, it is possible and you can attain it. It is hard, there will be times you may want to go back to that life, but if you don’t, and you push through, and you make it out on the other side, there is a brand new life and person and feeling of serenity and accomplishment and satisfaction awaiting you. I’m rooting for you, just like I rooted for me. <3
